Finally, Something Not So Horrible
by cuddlebearlove
Summary: 5th in the series. Sirius changes his mind about giving Harry 'the talk' only to discover that he is far too late. I suggest reading the others first, as they are referenced.


Disclaimer: Not mine

Finally, Something Not So Horrible

Sirius sat in his cave in Hogsmeade, the conversation he had with Albus still running through his head. In all truth, he felt guilty. So he might not have been in Harry's life for long, but he was his godfather. If he didn't give Harry the talk, then Dumbledore was sure to do it. He couldn't allow that to happen. It would be too horrible and would scar his godson for life.His mind made up, he quickly wrote to Harry. The coming weekend was a Hogsmeade weekend, and Sirius was going to make good use of his time with Harry.

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting at breakfast when an owl swooped over to them. Harry took the piece of parchment, instantly recognizing his godfather's writing.

"He wants to see me this weekend." he told the others.

"Just you?" asked Hermione, curiously.

"Yeah, it just mentions me, but I am sure you two can come along."

That Saturday, the three teens left the castle together and sat off toward the outskirts of the village. As they neared a broken down fence, they spotted Snuffles.

Sirius was confused. He couldn't talk to Harry about sex with Hermione and Ron present. That was why he only mentioned Harry visiting in the letter.

"Oh well," he thought to himself. "I can't transform to tell them that. There are far too many people around."

As the four entered the cave, hot and sweaty after their long climb, Sirius transformed. He hugged Harry and nervously turned to the others.

"I- um, well I wanted to talk to Harry alone, but you two are welcome to stay if you like. If not, I will certainly understand if you run screaming."

The trio glanced at each other. Not only had they never heard Sirius stutter before, but they were confused about what he thought would scare them off. They discussed Death Eaters and Voldemort all the time; what could be worse than that?

"It's okay." Harry said. "Whatever you have to say, just say it."

"Well, Harry. It's about sex."

"You've got to be bloody kidding me." Harry exclaimed, while Hermione's mouth fell open and Ron laughed like a hyena.

"Now, Harry, you don't need to-"

"Be embarrassed. Yeah, I know. See, the thing is that I have already had this particular talk four times this month." Harry said, cutting Sirius off.

"Four time!" Sirius explanned, appalled.

"Yeah. Well, five, if you count the time Dumbledore got too nervous and bungled the entire thing. He tried again a week later and actually managed it. Oh, by the way, you don't have to worry about Ron and Hermione being here, because they were already at another one with me." Harry continued.

"How five? I was aware that Albus, er, Professor Dumbledore was going to speak with you if I didn't, but I had hoped to beat him to it. I wanted to spare you the embarrassment."

"Well you are far too late. I talked with him first. Then came Snape-"

"SNAPE? What the bloody hell is Snape doing talking with you about this?"

"Well, he said-"

"That bloody git." Sirius continued, not paying any attention to Harry. "I am going to get him back for this. Mark my words. That greasy, festering, batty git is going to regret this."

The trio stared at Sirius throughout his tirade, wondering what he was going to do.

"Don't do anything stupid, Sirius." Hermione urged. "You can't get caught."

"Boy, Harry. You didn't even get to the part about Malfoy being there." Ron said.

"WHAT?" Sirius yelled again.

It took quite a while to calm Sirius. Then, Harry explained about McGonagall and Hagrid. Sirius needed calmed again after that, but seemed to recover faster this time.

"So," concluded Harry, "I just feel that I have learned all there is to know about sex."

"I bet you haven't learned everything." Sirius responded.

"Like what?" Ron asked, sounding strangely excited.

"McGonagall would have been the one to mention it, if anyone did. I can't see her doing it, though. Well, talking about it at least. I'm quite sure she has done it. Most animagi have, at least once."

Horror quickly spread over the faces of the three teens. They knew where Sirius was going with this line of discussion, and none of them wanted to hear it.

"That's okay. I think we understand." Harry said quickly, trying to turn the conversation. "So, eat any good rats lately."

"Harry-" Sirius started to argue.

"Lovely weather." Hermione said, awkwardly.

"I like the Cannons." Ron said, suddenly much less enthusiatic than he had been only moments previously.

"The Cannons are not good." Harry responded.

"Why won't you let me impart wisdom?" Sirius asked, hurt. "Why will you let Snape do it but not me?"

"Can't you impart a different kind of wisdom?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Okay, did you know when you drink too much it makes it almost impossible to-"

"Sirius?" Harry interrupted.

"Not that I would know myself, but that is what your father claimed on his wedding night."

Harry screamed, while Ron started laughing again.

"Lily was not pleased. She kept accusing James of ruining her honeymoon; said she didn't understand how he was such a hornball all throught school and yet-"

"Sirius!" shouted Harry. "That is quite enough."

"I had this all planned earlier, but you threw me off by telling me you didn't need it." Sirius said, looking guilty.

"I still need you for plenty of other stuff. I promise if I have any questions, I will come to you. Not Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape or Hagrid."

"That sounds good, kiddo. I'm sorry you had to go through that with all of them."

"That's okay. Draco and I bonded, at least. We are still figuring out how to get Snape back for the situation with Hagrid."

"Leave Snape to me." Sirius said, grinning evilly.

The four talked for a bit longer, than the trio left to roam the streets of Hogsmeade. Ron needed to go to Zonko's; at least he said he needed to. Hermione argued that nobody _needed_ to go to Zonko's, to which Ron made a rude gesture at her. They also went to Honeyduke's and the Three Broomsticks.

"At least Snuffles was pretty understanding." Hermione said, as they sat drinking butterbeer.

"Yeah, he's great." agreed Harry, smiling fondly. "I wonder what he is going to do to Snape."

"Whatever it is, it will be good. So, are you going to say it or not Hermione?" Ron asked.

"Say what?" she asked, puzzled.

"That it could always be worse." he answered.

"Honestly Ronald." she replied. "We have just said that Snuffles was not that bad. It goes with out saying that it could always be worse, but since you are so dense, fine. It could always be worse."

"Why do I have the feeling that you are enjoying this far too much?" Harry asked, sighing at the antics of his two best friends.

A/N: This is fulfilling another request that was made. I am eventually going to have to stop the series, as I am running out of ideas. I still have a couple I can do, and if you still wish to make requests I will consider them seriously. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed any of these stories. I'm so glad people are enjoying them so much. Please Review:)


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